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When I write my stories, I am concerned with one an only one thing – trying to create a mood of tenderness and longing. Sometimes I probably over do it.
And I end up getting into such heightened state, I get really worked-up – and I write most of the really “haunted” love stuff when I am right on the edge. When I re-read my stories, I can tell that parts were created in that shaky mind space.
Writing like I do, being right-on-the-edge, seems to unleash some really personal stuff, stuff that gets added to these stories.
I had a really loving relationship a while back, and I am trying to re-create something in my writing. Her name was Kim, and I miss her terribly. She is the focus of most of my writing.
Kim came from a really strict religious up bringing. I was shocked at how sheltered she was growing up. How she and I got together is a beautiful story, and I feel so fortunate that we had such a powerful relationship. We helped each other through some hard times.
Sometimes I end up writing about really wet squirting orgasms. That is entirely based on Kim. The text below is a real set of experiences between Kim and myself. I was at the receiving end of her squirting, and it was overwhelming and magical. I loved her more than I can ever say.
* * *
I first saw Kim at a meeting in my small town; it was at a sort of support group for women who were trying to make sense of their emotional issues. At that time she had just turned 18 years, and she was still in high school. She seemed so sad and confused, and that made me think she was younger than she really was.
At the time I was 29, and I was dealing with my own sad life stuff. I attended these meetings with the hope that I might find some solace in sharing with other women about some complicated experiences. The scene was just what you might imagine, it all took place in a therapist’s office, a handful of women would sit in a circle, on couches and chairs and we would talk about our problems. It might sound dreary, but I really found it helpful. Kim would come to these meetings too, and except for a quiet little hello when she arrived, she NEVER said anything.
I remember the first time I saw her, I just sat there in the meeting and stared at her. It was a strange feeling, I mean, she is a very pretty girl, but for some reason I was absolutely thunderstruck by how vulnerable she seemed. There was something so mysterious about her, something hidden by the timid way she held herself. I was immediately curious about her, partially because she was so quiet, and partially because she was just so adorable.
When she came to those first few meetings I didn’t even know her name.
I remember that she would always wear really baggy clothes, like oversized sweater. It was funny to see a beautiful young girl dressed in a way that was so frumpy. I actually couldn’t even tell if she was skinny of not. She had this amazing light red hair that she kept pulled back in a modest ponytail, and her skin was pale and covered in freckles. She’s not really tall, but at the same time she seems sort of gangly, like she hasn’t figured out how to be comfortable in her body yet. And she wore a really cute pair of little librarian glasses.
She would never say anything; she would just sit there silently.
Then, one week I was talking to the group, and I was trying to share how insecure I can feel, and how these feelings seem to overwhelm me sometimes. And then I watched as Kim began crying, she was reacting to what I was saying.
That night, after the meeting I walked up to her outside the meeting room. I apologized if I said anything that might have upset her. She seemed so scared and fragile, and it just made my heart ache.
I told her if she ever wanted to talk, she could call me. I gave her my phone number, at first she seemed reluctant to take it, but I insisted. I was shocked at how nervous she seemed.
After we said good-bye, I watched her get on her bicycle and ride away.
I think she is the shyest person I’ve ever met. There was something about her that was so skittish and frightened. She acted so timid that I couldn’t help but feel a deep sense of concern.
Later that same night she called me, and we talked for a little while. She didn’t really say much, but I could tell she was lonely and sad. I tried to be as supportive as I could, she was really quiet, but I knew she appreciated my kindness.
She worked after school at the little bookstore on the main street of our town. I would make sure to stop by and visit her whenever I could. It’s funny, this was such a perfect job for her, she was so soft spoken and helpful, and she just seemed so cute in that store with all those books. As silly as it sounds, her little glasses just made her presence there absolutely wonderful.
At first when I was in the store, I would always wait until there was nobody else there, and then I would start to talk. I was a little bit worried that she might start to cry. I always made sure that it was casino siteleri okay for her to call.
One night I answered the phone to hear her voice. I could tell she was upset, but she couldn’t really tell me why. She didn’t really say much but I heard enough that I realized she was suffering because of all the pressure her parents were putting on her. All I could do was act kind and let her know I cared. After I hung up, I remember I cried for a little while.
In the next week or so we started talking on the phone a little more, and then we would meet and go for hikes together. I got to see her acting happy, and sometimes she even got a little bit silly.
During this time, she would share some things about her life, and I felt like I could be helpful and supportive. I was a LOT like her when I was that age. She really seemed grateful that I would listen so attentively. Sometimes all I could do was to simply tell her that I really and truly understood.
Sometimes we talked about boys, and she seemed especially confused about how to deal with them. She was from a VERY religious family, and there was a lot of pressure to find a boy from the church, to get married and start having kids. All this intense pressure from her parents was making her feel even more insecure.
We went of a hike in the woods together on a lovely fall afternoon.
At one point she cautiously asked me, “Uhhm, you’ve had boyfriends haven’t you.”
“Yes, and you know I have.”
She nervously asked, “I guess, what I want to ask is, was it nice? I mean, being with a boy, I mean, being close.”
Oh my God, she sounded so nervous and awkward.
“Well, I haven’t really had all that many boyfriends. I guess I’ve really only had one where it felt like we were in love.”
“Who was that?”
“His name was Paul, and it was really wonderful, he was kind and sensitive. I think about him a lot, I really miss him.”
“When you were with him, did you ever, I mean, did you…” And she trailed away to silence.
It took me a moment to figure out what she was hinting at and then I realized she was trying to ask me about sex. This was an awkward subject; it was something that had eluded me for a long time. I wanted to be as honest as I could in how I answered her.
“Paul was my first real boyfriend. We dated while I was in college, he lived in the boys dorm across campus from me.
I paused and then said, “I lost my virginity to him when I was 19, and he was so loving and gently. It was beautiful.”
She looked at me and sheepishly asked, “Really?”
“Oh my God yes, I loved it.”
It was hard to read Kim’s emotions, but I was pretty sure she wanted me to keep talking. It seemed like she was curious about what happened, and she wanted to hear about it.
As we both walked on that winding trail in the woods, I explained about how Paul and I would spend the night together in his dorm room, and how much I loved being naked in bed with him.
Kim cautiously said, “Really?” This was pretty much the last thing she said for a while. As we walked I just kept talking, and I tried to describe what Paul and I would do together.
I explained how we would kiss, and how excited he would get. I told her about how thrilling it was when we would both get undressed on his bed. I told her how much I loved it when he would kiss and suck on my nipples, how the feeling just made me all crazy inside.
She didn’t say anything, she just let me talk. She was behind me on the trail as we walked, so I couldn’t see her.
This was the first time Kim and I had ever talked about sex, and I guess I sort of got carried away, I told her what his erection looked like, and I tried to explain what it felt like when we were fucking. I told her how I loved being on top when we made love, because I wanted him to watch my breasts bounce, watching him stare at me like that was a huge turn-on.
I went into a lot of detail and told her how I would have really powerful orgasms when I was on top of him, and how much it helped me to cum harder when he rubbed my bum hole.
I even told her how I would let Paul ejaculate all over my breasts, and how much I loved watching him squirt his cum on me like that.
After saying all that I turned around to look at Kim, and I realized she was crying. I stopped walking and I immediately hugged her.
I said, “Oh God, I’m sorry if I said too much.”
She sort of timidly stammered, “No – it’s just – it feels funny – because – because I’ve never even kissed a boy.”
We sat next to each other in the tall grass and I waited for her to calm down a little.
She told me, “What you said, about having a real boyfriend, it scared me.”
“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to.”
She looked at me and said, “I know. I know you wouldn’t ever say anything to be mean.”
I tried to cheer her up by saying, “Just so you know, I haven’t done anything like that, even kissed a boy, in I don’t know how long, it’s been years.”
“It made me slot oyna – I feel – Oh Addie, it’s too embarrassing to even say.”
“Don’t worry, I wanna help.”
“It’s just, I’ve never – I’ve never…”
She trailed off, and it sounded like it was something she was really scared about. I just let her sit quietly for a moment as she collected her courage, and all the while I gently caressed her beautiful red hair.
She stammered anxiously, “I mean – I’ve – I’ve never – well – I’ve never – never had…”
She trailed off to silence, but I was shocked at the deep intensity of emotion. I wasn’t sure, but I think she wanted to tell me that she’s never had and orgasm
All I could do was whisper a quiet, “Don’t worry…”
She went on, “What you said – I mean – it’s scary for me. I’m worried I never will – and then – just now – to listen to you talk – about being with Paul and experiencing something – so – beautiful like that – I don’t know – it really freaked me out – and I worry.”
She was so serious; it made me feel really sad.
I leaned in and gently kissed her on her forehead and whispered, “Oh Kim, don’t worry, you are only 18 years old, it’ll happen someday – I know it will.”
She whispered, “Sometimes everything feels hopeless.”
It made me sad to hear her sound so upset, she is so beautiful, and for some reason she just doesn’t let herself believe what’s true – that she is perfectly lovely.
“Kim, don’t worry. All you need to know is that I’ll always be here for you.”
She whispered, “Oh Addie – Thanks for saying that, it helps me.”
It broke my heart to know that such a sweet girl like Kim could feel so insecure.
Right then she just looked at me with this lost expression.
I leaned in and gently kissed her on her forehead and whispered, “Oh Kim, don’t worry, it’ll happen someday – I know it will.”
She smiled faintly and said, “Thank you for being so good to me.”
After that I said, let’s keep walking, and lets only talk about how pretty it is out here. She giggled and we hiked along a beautiful little lake.
A little while later during that hike I told her, “Kim, I know I must have sounded like I was bragging or something, but I wanted to share those memories with you. I really loved Paul, and my time with him was so beautiful. But since then I’ve been really shy around men, and not much else has happened.”
She was listening, but I didn’t know what she was thinking.
I went on, “I’m sorry about the way I said what I said. It’s funny, because in a way, I feel a lot like you, like I’m too shy, or I’m just scared of – of being alone with boys.”
She nodded like she understood.
After a little while she seemed to calm down, and we walked back to my car. I felt terrible for what I had said, and how it upset Kim. I didn’t realize just how sensitive she really was, and at the same time, there was something so vulnerable about her that just made me like her so much more
After that day on the trail we ended up spending even more time together. We would talk a lot about emotional stuff. I was a lot more careful about what I shared because Kim had a lot of really complicated issues around intimacy and sexuality. She was troubled in a way that made me feel so sad. Sometimes we would cry together, and I think it was really good for both of us.
She would come out to my cabin, and we would watch movies together. We would drink tea and sit on my giant couch. It was totally innocent and sweet. I knew she found a kind of solace when she was with me, and I felt so good knowing that I was being helpful.
We would have movie night like this at least once a week, sometimes more.
Things changed in a beautiful way one night in December. It was winter so my cabin was cold. I built a fire in the wood stove, and we sat on my couch to watch my TV, we were under one big blanket side by side. This was totally normal; this is how we always watched movies together.
On this night she picked up a movie from the video store, and she brought it over to my house. We sat around for a long time talking, and then we decided to watch the DVD. It was a movie called MULHOLLAND DRIVE with Naomi Watts and Laura Harring. It was a strange story, and really moody. The story revolved around these two beautiful women, they living together in a tiny apartment.
And without any warning there is suddenly this really intense scene. It’s nighttime and they are both getting ready to go to sleep, and I think it’s at this point that I realized that they bolt shared a bed together. One of them slips her bathrobe off and she climbs into bed totally naked, and they sit up together and whisper to each other nervously, and then – they start kissing each other.
(It’s easy to find a video clip of this scene on-line)
When the two pretty women started to kiss, I could tell Kim was really surprised, she didn’t expect this at all. She kind of grabbed my hand in this really desperate way. She had never done anything canlı casino siteleri like that with me before. Watching this with Kim right next to me was SO emotional! It made me so worried to feel her squeezing my hand so tight.
Kim gasped, “Oh my God!”
My heart was suddenly pounding and it really scared me because I had never really felt anything like this before. Kim began to squirm on the couch, and I could tell she was getting really upset. I grabbed the clicker and made the video pause. The frozen image on the screen was of the two women with their eyes closed and kissing with their mouths open.
I said, “Oh Kim, I’m sorry, that was – uhhm – kind of intense.”
Kim said, “Wow, I didn’t expect anything like this.”
I admitted, “I didn’t either…”
She looked right at me and stated, “I didn’t have any idea that it would be – like this – when I got this movie.”
Kim and I were both staring at the paused image on the screen. It showed the two gorgeous women with their mouths touching each other, their tongues glistening and their eyes closed.
We were both silent for a little bit, and then I asked, “Should we watch a little bit more?”
She nervously said, “I don’t know, it’s got me a little bit freaked-out.”
And then Kim looked at me, I was waiting for some clue for what to do, but she didn’t say or do anything. What we had both seen had made me feel incredibly aroused, and I really wanted to see what was going to happen.
After a moment I cautiously picked up the clicker and whispered to Kim, “I’m gunna start this again, okay?”
She didn’t say anything, she just squeezed my hand a little tighter. I could tell she was scared.
I pressed ‘play’ and the scene started up again with a close up of their mouths, both of them lost in passion. They continued to kiss each other, and it slowly got more and more feverish. We watched in silence as one girl gently undid her friend’s pajama top, open it and then start to gently caress her breasts. I could feel Kim squeezing my hand a little bit tighter. There was a close up of her fingertips gliding around the other girls nipples
I looked over and Kim’s eyes were wide and intensely focused on my TV screen.
They continued to kiss with even more emotion, and then one of girls whispered, “I’m falling in love with you.”
The music was building up in volume and intensity. And then she said it again in a breathy whisper; “I’m falling in love with you.”
We watched they both moved together, taking off tho one girl’s pajamas. And then they kissed in close up for a little while longer. Suddenly the scene ended, and the next image was seemed mundane and meaningless in comparison to what we just watched.
I had the clicker in one hand, and Kim was still desperately squeezing my other hand. I could feel the intense emotional energy as she gripped my fingers.
I just shut the TV off and suddenly the room was absolutely silent. I could hear the sound of my own heart pounding loudly in my ears.
With the room quiet and the TV off, I just looked down at her hand holding mine. I set the clicker down and gently stroked the back of her hand. Kim stayed motionless as I warmly caressed her soft hand. I looked up at her face, and she was staring at me with such a tender and emotional expression.
She was looking at me with her big eyes through her adorable little librarian glasses.
Earlier in our friendship Kim had nervously confided that she had never kissed a boy, and she acted so helpless when she told me. I remember thinking how odd it was that she was asking me for help, when almost all of my minimal experience with boys had been so awkward and disappointing.
I remember at the time I told her something encouraging like, don’t worry when the time comes, you’ll do just fine. But I was worried about her; I could tell she was really scared. She was so shy and I think it made her lonely.
I continued to caress her trembling hand. I looked at her beautiful face, and she seemed so vulnerable. She was staring at me with such an expression of helplessness.
Right then, I wanted to kiss her SO badly. I had never ever kissed a girl before, and I don’t really know if I had ever even thought about it, but at that emotional moment, her lips just looked so soft.
Neither of us said anything, we just looked at each other for a long time.
It felt so strange for me, the thought of actually kissing a girl – I mean – it just seemed so forbidden, but I felt so drawn to Kim, and how frightened she seemed.
Then slid myself just a little bit closer to her on the couch, and I could feel my knee touching her leg under the big blanket. Oh God – it felt like electricity ran through my entire body from just that gently contact.
I spoke in an uneasy voice, “That scene – it made me all – like – trembly…”
She didn’t say anything; she just nodded meekly.
Oh God, I was so focused on her adorable lips.
I looked at her, and reached up and gently moved a little bit of her hair from the side of her head and slowly set it behind her ear.
Then we were both sitting there all still again. We just looked at each other, and I was all shaky with feeling of uncertainty.
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